i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
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could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
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Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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