u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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