I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
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