Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
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She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
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If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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