xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
