im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
foreskin is a definite game changer
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
