So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
