someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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