I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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