8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
