Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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