I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
