Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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