I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
