i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
