I will die if light touches me.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Randomize
