Apparently you make a good broom.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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