I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
