He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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