was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize