These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
