dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
