Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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