i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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