You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
