Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
20+ Kids Who Probably Didn’t Mean To Draw Hardcore Porn
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?