weddingsv make me drug and hornr
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again