This is not my ceiling
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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