Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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