i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
