we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
It's official drugs can't kill me
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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