i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
