11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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