i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
