I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
