Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
