he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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