I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
