I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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