Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
