well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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