i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
