Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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