I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
