Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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