We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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