i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
