I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
