whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
