Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
