just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Be still, my beating vagina.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
