I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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