I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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