Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
