I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
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