I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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