Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
