walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
