you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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