dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Randomize
