I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I am one with the molecules
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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