Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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